Leadership

So, it's been a few days. And I still have much to go over that's happening, but I haven't gotten to write about. One major topic is my involvement in leadership stuff.

Back in November, after Prop 8 passed, I organized something like a silent protest regarding Prop 8. In short, I got 100+ students and a few teachers to wear black to commemorate equality's death by Prop 8 passing. Link that hopefully works.

Then, sometime, not exactly sure when, I started a group on Facebook combating homophobia and the little slurs that seem harmless but can be very hurtful. Here's where I try to put the link to that. 

I also tried/did start a GSA (gay-straight alliance) at my middle school. I had been wanting to do one for some time, but I never got around to it or got up the courage to start one. It's not exactly a full-fledged GSA since it isn't classified as a club (apparently Graham is a no-club school, even though I know that we do have clubs such as manga club, Twilight club, rocket club and more), but I'll just settle for now. Sigh. 

So all of this led to my getting a leadership award from Outlet! (Outlet=LGBTQQ support and empowerment group, part of CHAC) Well, I haven't gotten it yet. I'm getting it at their annual fundraiser, Out to Eat. But yay!! So that's great.

I'm really trying to make a difference in the community and over all the world. I think some people don't know that about me, or they don't take me seriously when I say it. But it's true. I really do. And sometimes I get so frustrated because I see all the stuff others are doing and I compare myself to that, and I don't measure up, and I feel like I'm doing nothing. And then people at school or whatever tell me I'm too serious and need to lighten up. It's just so frustrating, like I feel I need to please different people and parts of me. And I know what they're saying has some validity, because I'm all for having fun and being light and just enjoying life, but I just get so caught up with all the crap in the world and how I want to change it that I have so little time to enjoy things, you know? 

And then I feel so unworthy of getting a leadership award, or being looked up to, because I feel like I have no backbone. Like, it's can be really hard for me to speak up or contribute to a discussion or something to a big group, especially when I don't know them very well. I just feel so inadequate sometimes. Sigh. 

So anyway, I'm trying to really get involved in all this activism and leadership stuff so I can achieve that goal. But I just feel like I do so little and I'm making no progress in just voicing my opinion and stuff... Why do I have to be like that! It's not like I care what others think about me, I really don't. I have no clue what makes me just freeze up like that. Which makes it very irritating. It would be so much easier if I had some psychological disorder or something of the like to blame it on....